My First Ritual: Shabbat Flop, Or Was It?
My first intentional ritual was a bit of a flop. Or at least that’s how it felt. After weeks of planning, visualizing, and prepping…it was over in 18 seconds. My disappointment was BIG, right along with a bit of embarrassment. I had really built this one up.
What was this highly built-up intentional ritual? My first Shabbat!
Shabbat is the Jewish sabbath which begins every Friday night at sundown and lasts until sundown on Saturday. Though each family may have a different connection to Shabbat, it is typically an expression of pause from the hard work of the past week. It is a time of rest, reflection, and re-connection. Though I had grown up Jewish, I really didn’t have much of a connection to Shabbat. I was creating something from scratch, but my motivation was clear...I wanted to have rhythmic rituals that grounded our family in what is important to us. Slowing down for family meals, honoring the week behind us, and making space for connection over the weekend felt, to me, like a beautiful ritual to instill into the fabric of our family.
Here is how it unfolded. I am a young mom. My boys are aged 2 and 3. After cleaning the house, preparing and cooking the meal, I began to feel excited and a little nervous.
Do I know the prayers? Will the boys sit still? Will I do it wrong? Will I feel like a fraud?
With the 4 of us around the table, the lights turned down, I took a breath and lit the candles and recited the blessing (I didn’t even sing it, I was so nervous!). Dinner followed with the usual chaos of a family dinner with young children. Our focus diverted to clean up, bath time, and bedtime wrapped up in the exhaustion from the week. I felt sadness. 18 seconds and that was it?!?! I thought it would feel different. Though deep down inside I knew I tapped into something important. “I will keep at it and stay curious along the way.”
All these years later, we are still having our Shabbat dinners together every Friday night. Now those rituals have expanded, and those little boys are giant teenagers with deep voices and their little sister sings the blessings, too, and brings her own flare to the table. Sometimes we have friends and family joining us and sometimes it’s just us. Sometimes we share poetry, nature treasures, or a song. We often share stories of our week. Our Shabbats are real...there are sibling fights, disappointing food, and major grumpiness mixed in with the laughter, joy, and connections.
As it has been many years since that very first Shabbat, I may have new eyes for what happened that evening. Here is also how I remember that first Shabbat so long ago…
The room was quiet as I lit the candles, waving my arms in 3 circles over the flames and covering my eyes as my ancestors have done for generations. I remember those sweet little boys gazing into the flames with awe, because well, fire is magic. There was a stillness and reverence in the room that was palpable. Yes, it ended quickly with the busyness of bedtime, but that does not diminish what it was.
I am so grateful that I stepped into a ritual space that night with my nerves and my big expectations. Though it did not turn out as I thought it would, the seed was planted and has continued to offer us it’s gifts in ways I couldn't have begun to imagine.
That is the gift of ritual. So simple yet it can be so profound, if we allow it to be. Those 18 seconds evolved into Friday night rituals and traditions we all looked forward to. It provided a space of comfort and sacred moments for our family. What is your family ritual?