What Is The 9-Year Change?
It’s 8:00 PM on a typical Wednesday night a couple of years ago and I’m tucking my daughter into bed. She has all of her stuffies strategically placed around her, blankets pulled up to her nose, and I notice, too, some worry on her brow. “What is it, sweetie?,” I ask, “You look worried.” A bit reluctant to share as bedtime had been a source of struggle in the past for her (and us), she admits,
“I’m just worried that I’ll be all alone if something happens to you and Dad.”
I pause for a moment wondering if she heard something
in the news or watched something scary.
Then I remember...ahhh, she’s 9...and this is the beginning of the 9-year Change.
Since much of the focus of my work is on this developmental shift (and having gone through this with her two older brothers), I am reminded that each child goes through this transition similarly yet with some subtle variations. They are waking up to who they are and to the big world around them. And this “waking up” can feel scary! Her fears and questioning remind me we are beginning the journey through the 9-year Change.
So what exactly is the 9-year change?
Simply put, the 9-year change is a developmental shift that all children go through around the age of 9 years old. Some children show signs earlier than 9 and some later, but the transition is still the same. Yes, we all went through it!
Prior to age 9, children are connected to all things; Mom, Dad, nature, and the world. As the 9-year change unfolds, children begin to discover who they are as an individual. This first experience of separation is often called The Loss of Innocence. It can bring up new fears or old fears bubble back up again. The child feels more exposed and vulnerable than ever before. Though it is not adolescence, it has a tone of that later phase to come. Doors may be slammed, doubts of authority may present themselves for the first time. “Are you really my Mom and Dad?” “Is there really a Tooth Fairy or is it my parents?”. Concerns of others' opinions gnaw at them for the first time. “I can’t wear this shirt! My classmates will make fun of me!”. Oh the list is long.
Not only is this shift uncomfortable for the child, but also for the family. You may be left wondering, “What has happened to my child?!?!” The 9-year change is BIG and rarely gets the attention and support it deserves. Yet with information, care, and compassion families can move through it and onto the other side with connection, growth, and a deeper sense of trust.
The Explorer’s Journey course was created to support families through this developmental transition. The families we work with are curious about the 9-year change and curious how pausing to honor their journey can deepen their connections. Utilizing a simple rite of passage framework, we guide families to step into this new chapter feeling empowered and ready for what lies ahead. Family connections feel stronger and more resilient, their child feels grounded and confident, and everyone has tools that they can lean upon for years to come.
As I bring myself back to that bedtime with my daughter, I remember how the rest of the evening unfolded. I take a deep breath (more like 10 deep breaths), soften any agitation I have surrounding the rush to get her to sleep. I connect with her using wisdom I have gathered through the years of working with families. Then I add, “Your worries are so normal. I remember having similar thoughts when I was your age, and your brothers did too.” That connection seemed to put her at ease. She relaxes, takes a deep breath, closes her eyes snuggling up close to her stuffed animals and quietly falls asleep. Phew! I moved through one of many new and tender interactions to come as she begins to interact with her world in a whole new way.